The day started with vomit and the uneasy feeling of not knowing where the hell I was. "Oh god, not again," I thought to myself as I woke up in an apartment that seemed only vaguely familiar. After those four words, an immediate thunder struck my head and the pain of my hangover became too unbearable for words. "Why do I always do this?" I feel like the mornings after shows are always unbearable. I need to start remembering things from the night before. Some might associate blacking out with alcholism, but in no way am I an alcholic- I'm in a band. I looked around the room for a sign as to whose apartment I was in, but there was no one around. It had to have been someone I knew because there were pictures of me. But as I continued to look around, I only saw more pictures of myself, and only myself. The chills rushed over me and my already nauseous stomache turned. I gathered my belongings to make my escape when the door opened.
"No... Not Jessie." I thought to myself as the tall, gap- toothed, dark haired girl walked in the room with two white paper bags. Jessie Ringade wasn't exactly a stalker, but she wasn't exactly your everyday fan. In fact, she's the president of the Justin West fan club, cute, huh? She's come to every single one of my shows, before I even made it out of my parents' garage. She was really a sweet girl, with good, well mostly good, intentions, but in no way was I interested in her. I am such an idiot, if I thought she was annoying before, now it can only get worse. Oh no, is that breakfast in her hands? I'm not the share breakfast the morning after type of guy, especially not with creepy fans. And now I've given her the complete wrong idea. I think I'm going to be sick again. I need to leave this apartment, what is that horrible stench, rotten eggs? It smells terrible.
"I brought breakfast for you! I was thinking maybe we could eat breakfast, go see a movie or something, maybe come back here and cuddle for a little while, and then my parents have invited us to dinner at their house! What do you think?" She asked hopefully."Look, Jessie... I don't exactly know what happened last night but I was really drunk and I don't want you to get the wrong idea... It sounds like you have a fun day planned anyway so I think I'm just gonna head back home, I don't want you to take it personally. I just have a lot of stuff I need to do and..." She cut me off, thankfully, because I was running out of excuses. "No, it okay," her voice began to shake as tears welled up in her eyes. "Shit, please don't cry, I can't deal with tears right now," I thought to myself. She continued, "Really, I get it, sorry for bothering you, you should probably just go home, I know you're busy."
Damn. Girls can make you feel like such an ass when they want. Or maybe I was an ass? Nah. "Okay, well thanks anyway, I hope your day you've got planned is fun," I replied to Jessie, who seemed like she was genuinely okay with it. I started to leave and reminded myself that she had a lot to do today and she was fine. As I closed the door, I heard a noise behind the door, kind of like a sob, but it was probably just the neighbor's cat wanting attention. Luckily, my place was just up the elevator. Damn, it was hot though, is it ever going to rain here? I literally can't remember the last time it rained. Then again, I literally can't remember a lot of things.
1. You do start with the "the day started with..." You do talk about the smell.However, you don't specifically mention where you live, so that would be a good thing to put in the next blog.I really liked the line where you make the character analyze and think about himself and how you show that thinking process clearly. "Girls can make you feel like such an ass when they want. Or maybe I was an ass? Nah." You basically met all the guidelines except for location. You also made up a character: Jessie Ringade. I really like the interactions so far, it shows Justin's personality very well. I don't know if you will incorporate Jessie again, and I think she would be a cool character to continue depicting. The only thing that would make it easier for readers would be if you space and organize the blog better. If you break it up into smaller paragraphs, it will be easier to read.
ReplyDeleteYou followed all the requirements, although I'm not perfectly clear on where you live. I liked this quote: "Oh no, is that breakfast in her hands? I'm not the share breakfast the morning after type of guy, especially not with creepy fans." Your character seems kind of selfish, which is good, just make sure to keep doing it. You also left room for interaction with other characters. I got a bit confused in the long paragraph over who was talking and that didn't help in my overall comprehension of it.
ReplyDeleteOrganization and Grammar are your main problems. Also, who is this girl? As I recall I don't think we're allowed to create characters. Specifically name where you live. I'd like to hear more about the band in the future. The character development going rather well so far. Room for other character interaction, in negation of the previous comments, seemed somewhat limited to me. But you didn't specifically close your character, I just suggest that you open him more. Otherwise, excellent job for the first post.
ReplyDeleteI love your character. He has a strong personality – you can tell you have a strong sense of who he is as you're writing it. The line "Some might associate blacking out with alcholism, but in no way am I an alcholic- I'm in a band" is hilarious to me. It's one of his defining quotes. You also really use first person well because the reader can tell a lot of things about this character that obviously the character doesn't know about himself.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I love everything you've created here. The way you write really conveys his thoughts. I'd say forget about some of the grammar stuff (because some of your sentences are a bit too long or need commas or something) because it sort of helps you understand Justin's thought processes.